


centerfold in someone's longing

by mechuri



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Denial, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 19:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14754687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechuri/pseuds/mechuri
Summary: he’s going to get caught staring any moment, he knows, but he can’t stop. there aren’t any cameras around so it’s not that risky, and it wouldn’t really be that embarrassing for any of the guys to notice, because they all tease each other all the time anyway.no, what jiwon is nervous about is hanbin noticing.





	centerfold in someone's longing

**Author's Note:**

> title from "buck me off" by speedy ortiz

hanbin is affectionate, always leaning or cuddling or reaching for someone. as much as jiwon pretends to hate it, it’s comforting. he finds himself holding onto hanbin more often than not, yet continues to pretend it’s hanbin who initiates it.

the truth is that after so many years together, it gets hard to tell what parts of him are really him and what parts are more hanbin.

 

“hyung, i like these lyrics, but i think you should switch the order around,” hanbin says, using his pen to show what he means. he’s looking at the pages of jiwon’s notebook; jiwon is looking at hanbin.

they’re in the studio stupidly late, as usual. hanbin’s hair is black now, natural and soft and unstyled.

the red hair had suited hanbin back then, but jiwon loves his hair black. hanbin had hated it when he had to shave his hair off, hated how it makes him look and feel, and started wearing beanies for every public appearance. after a week or so, he stopped doing it in private, and jiwon took every chance he could to run his hands over the soft, never-yet-dyed hairs. he paired it with insults every time, playful shoving and grating laugh covering up how his hands shook.

jiwon wants to do that right now, to see if hanbin’s hair feels the way it looks. he could probably get away with it, too - hanbin only pulls away from skinship when he’s stressed, and in this moment he’s anything but.

and so jiwon lets himself. rather than replying to hanbin, he reaches up and dislodges hanbin’s snapback to brush his hair off his forehead.

“yah, hyung, please,” hanbin whines, head falling back as though pushed despite jiwon’s touches being as light as he can make them. “you’re gonna make me fall asleep.”

any other time jiwon might doubt that statement, but hanbin is already starting to slur, eyes slipping shut.

“good,” jiwon says, and jams the snapback back onto hanbin’s head. “you need to sleep, bin. let’s go.”

hanbin protests, whines around his toothbrush, and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

 

arguments are common, but every disagreement with hanbin leaves jiwon shaken. he does everything he can to de escalate the situation, anger restrained just barely.

“fuck off!” hanbin is shouting, pointing at the door and not looking jiwon in the eye.

“no, hanbin, come on,” jiwon says, trying to keep his voice calm. “if i leave we’ll just keep arguing tomorrow-”

“i don’t care - i don’t want to talk to you right now!” hanbin insists, pacing as much as he can within the limited space of the studio. he’s red in the face from yelling, so different to the cool, calm, restrained hanbin they all see daily in the practice room.

talking isn’t getting him anywhere, hanbin too worked up to listen, and it’s instinct that has jiwon moving across the room and cornering hanbin, trapping him against the wall without any physical contact.

“hanbin, please,” jiwon says. he’s all but forgotten why they’re even arguing, preoccupied with ending it as quickly as possible.

unable to move, hanbin is buzzing with tension, and before jiwon can blink hanbin is shoving him aside with both hands and storming out.

he doesn’t exactly slam the door, but the force of it closing is enough to make the monitor on the desk shake minutely.

jiwon exhales, and sleeps on the sofa in hanbin’s studio.

 

his neck hurts when he’s awoken by the sound of the door closing, and it takes jiwon a second to register hanbin’s presence.

“jiwon-hyung, i’m so sorry,” hanbin says quietly. his eyes are screwed shut when jiwon twists to look at him, and it doesn’t look like he slept.

“it’s okay,” jiwon says gruffly, coughing to clear his throat. “it happens, bin. we’re good, okay?”

if he was jinhwan he might have sat hanbin down and tried to have a serious talk with him, likely ending in tears. if he was yunhyeong, he would have ruffled hanbin’s hair and made a terrible joke.

it’s because he isn’t that he holds an arm out, and hanbin only hesitates for a second before sidling over and lying next to jiwon, tucked underneath his arm, legs contorted to keep himself from falling off the sofa.

“if i sleep here it’ll hurt my back,” hanbin murmurs, one hand curling into the shirt jiwon is wearing.

“tell me about it,” jiwon says, but neither of them make to get up. “i’ll give you a backrub if you let us sleep for one more hour.”

“deal.”

it’s so easy most of the time for jiwon to forget that he’s the hyung. hanbin is in leader mode 24/7, whether there are cameras or not.

when hanbin curls up further, head tucked under jiwon’s chin, it’s hard to believe he’s the same person. he falls asleep quickly, body going slack and heavy in jiwon’s hold. when jiwon strokes his hair, hanbin pushes into his hand unconsciously, and it feels it means a lot more than it really probably does.

 

 

he doesn’t know what it’s like to be in love. he’s never dated, never had his first kiss, and can’t imagine it happening. it feels far away, unreachable. it’s like everyone is rushing ahead of him, and hanbin is stuck so, so far behind.

he’s eight, and all the boys in his class want to talk about is the girls.

he’s twelve, and he spends all of his time writing lyrics and learning about rap and gets teased for not having a girlfriend.

he’s fourteen, and he becomes a trainee, and he drops out of school, and he meets jiwon, and for the first time in his life he thinks maybe he understands why it is that everyone is so much faster than him.

he’s seventeen, successfully repressing everything by working harder and harder than he ever thought possible, and he loses, and it all comes crashing down.

he’s eighteen, and he promises to never think about it again, to never acknowledge what he knows but doesn’t want to.

he’s twenty one when he breaks that promise.

 

 

they’re in the studio like they always are. hanbin had been with his friends earlier, but one by one they had all left. once hanbin was alone, he called jiwon.

when jiwon walks in, hanbin is sprawled upside down on the sofa, legs up in the air. he’s holding his notebook and says nothing.

“alright?” jiwon asks. hanbin doesn’t respond, still staring at his notebook as though it’ll help him work out the right word to use.

jiwon crosses the room and sits down, cross-legged, by hanbin’s head. this makes hanbin look away, and jiwon uses that second to grab the book from hanbin, ignoring his grabby hands and leaning backwards to read what hanbin had been glaring at.

“oh, these aren’t half bad,” jiwon says, feigning surprise because of course they’re good. “did you watch a lot of _fight for my way_ for these?”

hanbin pouts at the teasing, crossing his arms across his chest and turning his head to the side.

he finally speaks, grumbles out, “bobby hyung!” when jiwon grabs his cheeks and squishes his face, laughing at hanbin’s attempts to wriggle away.

“ah, baby hanbinnie!” jiwon snorts, and keeps his hands on hanbin’s cheeks even when hanbin stops struggling and accepts it. his face is red now, from the blood and the laughing.

it grows silent too fast, and then jiwon is sitting there holding hanbin’s face unsure of how to pull away without seeming awkward. and yet hanbin doesn’t seem bothered by it at all: he’s looking at jiwon, almost expectantly, not moving away or saying anything.

hanbin licks his lips. jiwon kisses him.

it’s weird.

hanbin had gasped the second their lips touched, and not done anything since. jiwon feels stuck, and his nose is kind of on hanbin’s chin, and he’s still holding hanbin’s face.

it feels like a very long time before they separate, though really it was only a few excruciating seconds. hanbin’s face is redder than before, and jiwon sees that he’s uncrossed his arms in favour of holding his right hand over his heart.

“i’m- uh-” jiwon starts, but stops once he realises he has nothing to say. he kissed hanbin. hanbin didn’t kiss back, but he didn’t try to stop jiwon. he didn’t do anything. he isn’t doing anything, just lying there with his eyes shut and his mouth a little open, his hand on his chest the only movement.

“are you okay?” jiwon blurts out, voice sounding too loud and it makes him blush but he’s creeped out by hanbin’s silence.

it’s slow, but hanbin nods, and it seems like that breaks the dam because suddenly he’s sitting up, grabbing his notebook back from off the floor, and he starts writing as soon as he has it open.

it’s _weird_.

hanbin must be able to feel jiwon staring at him, bewildered, because he says, “look, hyung, it’s fine. you did something - no offence - pretty regrettable, but i’m fine. forget about it.”

jiwon doesn’t respond, and hanbin turns to look at him only to say, “if you aren’t going to write, can you go? you’re distracting me just standing there.”

and so jiwon goes, because he was told to, and on the walk back to the dorm he wonders if maybe he dreamt the whole thing up.

 

 

hanbin fills three pages with words once jiwon leaves. most of them are nowhere near appropriate for a song - too obvious what they’re about, who they’re about - but there are a few lines he could probably salvage later on. now, though, he keeps on writing. it’s more poetry than lyrics, and it’s addictive to finally allow himself to let go of it.

he only stops when his pen runs out of ink, and he has a whole drawer of biros not three feet away but it feels like a sign, so he sets his book down and tries very, very hard not to cry.

 

 

he’s going to get caught staring any moment, he knows, but he can’t stop. there aren’t any cameras around so it’s not that risky, and it wouldn’t really be that embarrassing for any of the guys to notice, because they all tease each other all the time anyway.

no, what jiwon is nervous about is hanbin noticing.

they’re all drinking, an early celebration for the day off they have tomorrow. hanbin has had far less than everyone else, and is red in the face and giggle-y. every time he laughs, one of his eyes closes more than the other: jiwon has seen this before, but right now it’s the most fascinating thing happening in the room.

jinhwan nudges jiwon in the side, trying to get him to join in on bullying junhwe, but jiwon doesn’t respond and jinhwan soon gives up. hanbin still doesn’t seem to have realised that jiwon is sat in silence, so jiwon keeps looking at hanbin.

the lights are on low (jinhwan insisted that that was the best light to drink in) and warm, making hanbin look soft and warm, too. he’d gotten tanned in the summer, and it suits him so well. the tank top he’s wearing is one of jiwon’s, the arm holes gaping and showing hanbin’s ribs and stupidly skinny waist and hips. he throws his head back to laugh, slapping his thigh like an old man, and when he faces forward again he looks jiwon in the eye and stares back.

caught red-handed, jiwon flushes and grabs the glass nearest to him, and casts his eyes about for anything else to look at because hanbin’s gaze is still burning into him.

is that what it felt like to hanbin when jiwon was staring? if so, jiwon isn’t sure how hanbin managed to ignore it for so long.

“bobby hyung,” hanbin says, still staring, tone normal and eyes intimidating. “let’s do a love shot.”

of course, jinhwan and junhwe jeer at them obnoxiously. chanwoo has next to no reaction, and yunhyeong and donghyuk immediately set about getting them both glasses full of soju.

jiwon doesn’t say anything, just finds himself being shoved closer to hanbin with a glass in his hand, pliant and a little terrified.

hanbin is the one to hook his arm around jiwon’s, slowly and deliberately and jiwon is so, so confused-

 

it feels like it’s going to be like the kiss, like they’re both going to (pretend to) forget about it and act casual for weeks on end, like jiwon is going to wake up the next day and not be quite sure that it wasn’t all his imagination.

jiwon brushes his teeth, scrubs at his face half-heartedly, and has a mini heart attack when he walks into his room and hanbin is sat on his bed.

“fuck, dude, what the fuck?” he breathes, running a hand through his hair and waiting for his heart to stop beating so fast.

“i don’t know what i’m doing,” hanbin says. he’s still wearing jiwon’s top, but he’s changed into loose plaid pyjama trousers and is staring resolutely at a loose thread by his knee. “i’ve never done this.”

“i- done what? what do you mean?” jiwon asks, even though he already knows.

jiwon blinks and hanbin is across the room, pressing jiwon into the door with his hands and hips and his mouth on jiwon’s.

it’s forceful and hard and not exactly the most enjoyable kiss, but it’s hanbin, and jiwon pulls away for a second, holds hanbin back with his hands on hanbin’s biceps, to look him in the eye.

hanbin looks desperate, looks scared and frantic and he’s shaking in jiwon’s hold. “please,” he whispers, making no move to kiss jiwon again.

the ball is in jiwon’s court now.

and how could he do anything other than bring one hand up to hanbin’s neck to pull him back in, leading this time and making it gentle, waiting for hanbin’s lips to relax before moving to kiss at his bottom lip, the sound of their mouths separating loud in the empty room.

hanbin’s mouth opens, the way it had the first time jiwon had kissed him in the studio, but this time he isn’t frozen and he reciprocates, clumsily and slowly and innocently and jiwon has to stop kissing him to breathe.

his lips are red and he’s panting quietly, like he doesn’t want jiwon to hear how affected he is. he’d seemed so tense just moments before, but after being kissed hanbin’s entire body has gone slack, hands gripping jiwon’s hoodie like he needs it to stay upright. he blinks his eyes open seconds after jiwon pulls away, looks dazed and lost and pulled directly from the deepest recesses of jiwon’s mind.

“jiwon hyung,” hanbin murmurs, winding his arms around jiwon’s waist and tilting his head up minutely in a way that must be subconscious and works to get jiwon to kiss him again.

 

time passes in the tick of the watch on jiwon’s wrist. he has no idea how long he’s been kissing hanbin, no idea how long it took for hanbin to melt into his arms entirely, and he doesn’t want to stop.

it feels like hours since he last spoke, voice low when he asks, “hanbin, what is this?”

he says the words against hanbin’s lips, and can’t meet hanbin’s eye when he waits for an answer, too afraid that hanbin will tell him it’s a joke or a one-time thing or an experiment.

“i just like you,” hanbin says, like it’s so simple even though they both know it’s anything but. “i don’t know what it means.”

and it would be cruel, so cruel, to let hanbin’s words hang in the silence alone so jiwon tells him, “i like you, too. i like you so much, hanbin.”

he’s still not quite gotten the hang of it, but hanbin answers jiwon’s confession with a kiss, close-mouthed and quick, and says, “that’s okay, then.”

 

jiwon jams his chair in front of his door so that no one can come in, and sits on his bed with hanbin, and threads one hand into his hair to kiss him slowly. hanbin’s lips are chapped but his mouth is so soft and jiwon can’t help himself, has to kiss hanbin senseless and then a little more when he feels the way hanbin leans forward over their crossed legs and clings to jiwon’s shoulders.

they switch to lying down when hanbin says his back hurts, and don’t stop kissing until hanbin falls asleep with his head tucked into jiwon’s neck where he’d left a dozen invisible marks.

 

waking up with hanbin is no new experience - they used to room together, so jiwon is all too familiar with hanbin’s stupid bedhead and bare face - and yet it still makes jiwon feel breathless when hanbin wakes up beside him and, after hesitating for the slightest moment, kisses jiwon on the corner of his mouth.

“you don’t… you don’t regret it?” jiwon asks, nerves clear in his voice for no real reason.

“no, hyung,” hanbin says, voice rough and one eye still stuck closed with sleep. “i want you. always.”

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why but i really enjoyed writing this one! i didn't want to stop but i needed to be sensible and not... let it go on for another thousand words.... yikes.  
> thank you for reading - i hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> if you would like to suggest a prompt/au/anything at all, please send it to my tumblr: mechuriao.tumblr.com


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